Two Decades

“When you're young, you always feel that life hasn't yet begun—that "life" is always scheduled to begin next week, next month, next year, after the holidays—whenever. But then suddenly you're old and the scheduled life didn't arrive. You find yourself asking, 'Well then, exactly what was it I was having—that interlude—the scrambly madness—all that time I had before?” 
― Douglas Coupland

Uh... umm.... hey guys, It's, uh.. it's been awhile. Ha. Sorry about... that. I do however, have an excuse. I have been extraordinarily busy with school work and a couple of special side projects, including a nifty little web show called, "In Earnest" which you can find here. I've also been working on writing some music, working in the dish room, hosting a radio show, doing some stage work and spreading my little social butterfly wings. All the while with the knowledge that the impending doom of the number "20" was waiting for me, lurking just around the corner.

Well.

November 19th was the day. It was the day I was  forced to meet that terrifying number and come to terms with the fact that I am no longer in fact, a teenage dirt bag, baby.

                                        

November 19th I traded in my teen angst for a healthy serving young adult existential crisis. Although the thought of being a "20 something" is admittedly a terrifying one, the more I've thought about it, the more ready for it I am. The more I realize how much I have grown from this time last year in ways I didn't think I could. 

Last year I tasked myself with a list of "birthday resolutions" to accomplish before the big 2-0. This list included a multitude of things, notably;

• Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Instead of sitting around on the internet all day wallowing in self-pity get up and do something. I did get up and do something, a lot of something, in fact I did so many somethings I haven't even had time to post to this blog in months
• Being sad is not romantic or tragically beautiful. Be Happy. Anyone who's been around be recently can attest to the fact that I am smiling a lot more than I was this time last year
• Realize that the future is a crazy place filled with who knows what. Just because you're working towards something right now, that does not mean that's that. Well I recently changed my major from education to Marketing. Needless to say this was not something I had planned for the future. 

This post isn't just about my existential crisis ridden entrance into young adulthood, This post is about growth.

 This time last year I was depressed. I had zero motivation to do anything and the thought of going back to school after Thanksgiving break to deal with finals and term papers was enough to send me into devastating panic attacks. This Thanksgiving break, the thought of going back to school barely phased me and was in fact almost welcomed. Over Thanksgiving break I came to the realization that since last year, I have entered into a new stage of life. I no longer crave my return to my hometown on breaks. As much as I love my family, I enjoy the independence of spending time away from them. I want to take charge of my own life rather than have someone else take care of everything for me.

Growth has always been a scary thing to me. But since I've allowed myself to grow I've become much happier and content with my current life stage. The swirling vortex of confusion and doom called my future, has become the cave of treasures yet to be uncovered in the dark.

Let yourselves grow, Friends.

-Ellen

Oh Captain, My Captain.

"You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it."

Robin Williams

Last night around 10 p.m I found myself standing with my mother in the middle of our kitchen crying my eyes out over the death of a man I have never met. I felt as if I had lost a very close family friend or even that one goofy uncle you don't see that often, but when you do, it's the best day of your life. Judging from different reactions I've seen from not only from people I know personally, but also those across the internet, many of you felt the same way. So why is it that we all feel as though we've lost our dear Uncle Robin? Why are we all so terribly heart broken by this death, rather than the death of any other celebrity? 

                                               (internet celebrity/songwriter/personality, Toby Turner, posted this video in response last night)

I think the answer lies in a couple of things. The first is that none of us could have possibly seen this coming. Here was a person, who made a career out of making other people happy. Who seemed to always be mid joke. Who to many of us, was a sort of ray of sunshine we could always keep around when we needed a pick me up. So how could it be that this man, who many of us grew up with, could be so sad that he made the decision to take his own life? How could it be that someone so loved, so admired, could have such a great darkness inside him? Many of us had almost immortalized this man in our minds, and to see him go in this way felt like we we're all simultaneously being hit in the chest with a ton of bricks. 

The grief felt  is, I think, also due to the fact that, well, we kind of did lose our goofy Uncle Robin. I can think of very view childhood movies that I held dear to my heart that he was not a part of. Whether it was Ferngully, Flubber, Aladdin, Jumanji,Hook or so many more; these movies we're an integral part of shaping me into the person I am today. And then as an adolescent and young adult watching movies like Dead Poets Society and Good Will Hunting, movies that would and will haunt me for years to come. Not only did we welcome this mans humor and deeper thinking into our home with open arms via movies and television, we welcomed his authenticity and genuine care for others. We spent time listening about his work with St. Judes Children's Hospital. We watched him go visit the troops overseas on numerous occasions. We read stories about nothing but good encounters people had with the man. 

We all feel this great loss because well, in a sense, we did know him. He was that close family friend or goofy Uncle. Or at least, he was genuine and real enough to make us all fee that way. 

-Ellen 

when do you think you'll grow out of it?

"What makes Superman a hero is not that he has power, but that he has the wisdom and the maturity to use the power wisely."

-Christopher Reeve

I absolutely LOVE superheros. When a new Marvel movie comes out I'm one of the first people there to
see it, oohing and ahhing through out the entire thing.

I'll spend MONTHS trying to work out in my mind how it's possible that Howard Stark be Tony Stark's
father, when Howard was in his mid 20's in the 1940's and Tony is in his late 30's during present times.

as soon as this

starts playing at the beginning of each Marvel movie, I'm already emotionally invested in the story that's about to take place.

I will cry in the middle of a crowded theater over the now strained relationship between Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes.

However whenever I express this love of superheros to people the response I usually get is;

"so... when do you think you're gonna grow out of it?"

Uh.. well... hopefully never?????

I hope I never stop caring about nerdy nobodies who turn into New York's one and only friendly neighborhood Spider-man! Or troubled Norse gods who would take over entire planets if only to prove themselves to their adoptive father (you knew you weren't getting out of this without a Loki reference right?)!

This question of "when do you think you'll grow out of it" has sparked more questions in my mind about our societies view of maturity, and how to be honest, I think it's bit skewed. These thoughts have also been brought up by being told on numerous occasions that I will "grow into" things such as wanting diamonds for my birthday, or caring about what's really in fashion, even though I'm already almost 20 years old.

To me, maturity has little to nothing to do with the fact that I like superheros at 19 years old or that I would rather receive Season 9 of Supernatural on DVD than diamond earrings on my birthday. To me maturity has very little do with what you like or what you wear and more to do with how you handle certain situations.

How well do you handle things not working out the way you wanted them to?

How strong is your work ethic?

How often do you talk about people behind their backs?

How often do you think about what other people might think of your new haircut?

How self aware are you?

These are just some of the many factors I feel contribute more to the maturity of a person than whether or not they would sell their left leg to go to comic-con so they can dress as wolverine in a conference center and have Hugh Jackman sign their home made claws.

Who's to say that the person who would sell their right arm to get tickets to the super bowl is any more mature than the person mentioned above?

Maturity has to do with the complexity and depth of a person and how aware of this complexity and depth the person is. The mature person also has to consider how their own complexity and depth effects that of those around them. Imagining all people complexly, you must ask, "if I say and do this thing... how will it hurt or help the people around me?".

A week or two ago I took my little brother to go see "The Amazing Spider-Man 2". Sitting next to me was an elderly couple, by themselves, no grandchildren or children in sight. The couple stayed through the credits, letting me know that this was not the first time they had gone to a Marvel movie together, and were aware of the classic Marvel post credits extra scene.

While sitting next this elderly couple during the sneak peek preview for "X-Men: Days of Future Past" that rolled after the Spider-Man credits I couldn't help but think;

"I wonder when they'll grow out of it?"

-Ellen

Don't Stop Singing

“We do on stage things that are supposed to happen off. Which is a kind of integrity, if you look on every exit as being an entrance somewhere else.” 
― Tom Stoppard, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead



This post is going to be a bit different from my previous ones, as this one is going to be more personal rather than some sort of deep philosophical crap I came up with off the top of my head to share with the internet, only worsening my own messiah complex. This post is going to be about the therapeutic effects of drama and the performing arts, and about how I believe participating in these art forms has saved me on multiple occurrences.

    To get into this, things are going to have to get a little personal, so lets slip into something a little comfortable and get to know each other a little better.

I was 9 years old when I was originally diagnosed with a healthy dose of anxiety mixed with an even healthier does of ADHD. I cried a lot. Like a lot a lot. Like I'm talking an obnoxious amount of crying. I cried about things 9 year old's shouldn't even be thinking about, like death, and the doubt of the existence of an after life (which before you say anything, yes I do believe in) and all that fun stuff. I think it's safe to say I was a pretty unhappy 3rd grader with a lot of heavy stuff on her mind. The year I was diagnosed with all these goodies was also the year I was in my first ever musical; The Jungle Book, and took my first ever drama lessons. It was at these drama lessons and during this musical that I felt happy. That I wasn't thinking about how vast the universe is and how death is inevitable. It was while I was dressed as an orangutan singing about  becoming a man cub that I was having fun, and loving every second of life.

This was my first taste of theater and it was that year that set my life on course towards show after show.

I was very involved in drama until the start of Middle School, when at this point the only exposure I got to drama was during my "Theater Arts" class which I took every year as my elective, seeing as it was my favorite class. Middle School was needless to say rough, as it was for many people. I was bullied by my peers and dreaded getting out of bed everyday. Life seemed pointless, and to tell you the truth if you we're to ask me about something that happened in middle school I probably couldn't recall it, it's almost like middle school is just one big repressed memory. Thinking back on it, I'm almost certain that if I would have sought help, I would have been diagnosed with some sort of depression. I was lonely, afraid and sad.

My summer going into the 8th grade I participated in a musical theater camp (note that this was during the sad woe is me Ellen era). My first day of camp I was nervous and prepared to spend another two weeks lonely, only this time with more singing and dancing. As soon as I entered the theater a girl ran up to me and gave me a hug, I was a bit surprised by this, and my face must of shown it because the girl followed up the hug with, "I'm sorry... you just looked lonely". I often wonder if that girl ever realized how much that meant to 13 year old Ellen. At this musical theater camp I rekindled my love for performing arts and found home once again in the theater.

Even though I am by no means a phenomenal actor or singer (definitely not dancer)

^actual footage of me dancing 

 I continued my high school career participating in shows, choirs, piano and voice lessons. I found a home and a family like no other in my high schools arts department (or as we lovingly called it; "The F Wing") and I will forever be grateful that I got to experience such a fantastic and loving program. Although I was never cast a lead or given many big solos during my time in the F-Wing, I would not change the experience I had for the world. However at the end of my senior year I went through some stuff and swore to myself I would cut down my participation in performing arts when I entered college.

Up until recently college has been a less than perfect experience for me. I once again sunk into a depression and had no motivation to participate in life or go out and make friends. I felt trapped and even considered leaving my school and trying something new, for the sake of my own mental health. I have only realized what I have been missing in my life recently. That thing I have been missing is drama and the performing arts. I have been helping out with my school's Children's Theater for the past couple of weeks, and for the first time since coming to school I feel not so sad. Although I am only on run/stage crew, just the act of sitting back stage makes me feel more at peace and at home.

Every time I have fallen into a dark place it was been the arts that has pulled me out in some way shape or form. I truly believe that the arts have a truly therapeutic effect on people and can help people through tough times like nothing else.

The moral I hope you all get from my story is this; no matter how ticked you get that you didn't get the role, or how stressed you get during tech week, if you find passion in something don't give it up for trivial reasons. In the end it is what we love that gives us life.

Please, don't stop singing.

-Ellen

Don't be Dark Matter

“Scientists talk about dark matter, the invisible, mysterious substance that occupies the space between stars. Dark matter makes up 99.99 percent of the universe, and they don't know what it is. Well I do. It's apathy. That's the truth of it; pile together everything we know and care about in the universe and it will still be nothing more than a tiny speck in the middle of a vast black ocean of Who Gives a F**k.” 
― David Wong, John Dies at the End


I have recently become quite concerned over the direction my life seems to be heading and the person who I have become.

My friends often joke;

"ha there's Ellen, such a cynic"
"Why would you want to go outside? You hate the outdoors!"
"Yeah... but you're too lazy for that you would never actually do it haha"

While I know these jokes are all in good humor I can't help but feel that they are a reflection of the image I have created for myself. I have turned myself into a person who would probably agree with the following statements... and I have to say I'm not proud of it.

"Who would put forth effort towards that? Ha I'm much too lazy... being lazy is hilarious!"
"Why would I go outside when I have the internet and self pity to keep me company?"
"I don't need people. Socializing is for losers hahaha"

This is no way to live a life. And I am done being the person who thinks being pathetic is funny. Or that being a cynic makes you cool. It's not quirky and cool to "hate everyone."

While I think on this and work on becoming a better person I encourage you all to do the same. We seem to be the generation of apathy and cynicism under the impression that not caring is cool and having a deep hatred for other people makes you so alternative and edgy. This needs to stop.

We need stop being lazy. We need to get up, get off the internet, stop laying in bed all day and DO. We need to go outside and breath in fresh air and stop making jokes about how gross the outdoors are. We need to go for runs and explore new things. Stop making excuses, stop saying it's too hard, as cliche as it sounds go grab live by the proverbial horns and take advantage of all it has to offer!

Our generation has so much new technology and opportunities and forms of communication at our fingertips and my greatest fear of this month is that we are going to let it all pass us by because we are too lazy to quite literally stand up and turn off the tv.

Take responsibility, take charge and stop wallowing in self pity. Create, explore, learn and experience life before it's too late.

-Ellen

Anyone Can be A John Green.

" Don't think of it as a problem think of it as a challenge. There can be many forms of John Green . Or wouldn't it be great if there were more people like him in all areas of life."  - My Mom

"I just love him and have such respect for how he’s made the world safe for a lot of kids to be who they are. It took me to age 35 to be who I was; if I were 15 now, John would save me years of angst. He is a holy man."  - Laurie Halse Anderson on John Green. 

I want to be John Green. This is something I have just recently come to terms with. And not just in the, "I make YouTube videos and am working on a book" kind of way. In the, "hey I really like what this guy stands for and would really like to emulate that" kind of way, (okay maybe also a little bit of the making YouTube videos writing way but that's not the point). Upon the discovery that I wanted to be just like a 36 year old man who has an army of teenagers at his command, I started to ask myself some questions.


"What makes me want to be John Green?"


"How could I ever even COMPARE to such a highly regarded person?"


"What do I even mean when I say I want to be John Green?"

~


A little over a year ago I attended John and Hank Green's Evening of Awesome at Carnegie Hall. It was an experience that effected me in a way that I've never fully expressed, one memory from that night that sticks out to me involves, you guessed it, wanting to be John Green. My friend and I were waiting in the long line to get merch and we struck up a conversation with the girls standing in front of us. They we're extremely friendly and polite (as nerdfighters often are) and were both college students. When I asked them what they were majoring in, one girl responded, "Creative Writing... so basically I'm majoring in being a barista at your local Starbucks haha". Although in the back of my mind I kind of agreed I told her, "that's not fair! You never know what could happen!". She chuckled, sighed, and responded with,"Yeah I guess my problem is I want to be John Green."


I've thought about that a lot since that night. And I've come to the conclusion that we should all want to be a little bit like John Green. Even if this only means finally writing that book you've had the idea for, for years. John and Hank Green have created a safe haven for the different, the dreamers and the people who simply demand more out of life. They do enormous amounts of work for charity, through the annual Project for Awesome, enormous donations from their own profits, and many other things. John himself, suffers from severe anxiety and has only recently overcome a nasty case of depression. He has stated multiple times that he loves meeting his beloved nerdfighters in public, however he only asks that they do not ask for a hug, because the answer will be no. When he was in college he was told that his writing was terrible, and based off of talks and interviews, he would agree.

^this is a video in which John addresses his depression




http://fishingboatproceeds.tumblr.com/post/65003063968/john-i-have-really-really-bad-anxiety-i-know-in-the

^this is a post John made regarding his anxiety.


To me, being a John Green means following your dreams despite handicaps and hold backs. Being a John Green is showing compassion for others and treating those younger than you with the same respect as you would treat someone of your age or older. It means not getting a big head if you do achieve your dreams. It means having a sense of humor when discussing big issues. Being a John Green means staying energetic and positive in order to inspire and motivate young and old people alike to do something great.

I don't think the girl at Carnegie Hall a little over a year had the problem of "wanting to be John Green".


I think she had the right idea.



I think we should all want to be John Green.

You Need to Calm Down

“Funny girls like you don’t get boyfriends. Funny girls like you get boys who are friends who want to date your boring pretty friends but also have you around to make them laugh.”

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind" - Dr. Suess 

For as long as I can remember I have been the weird kid. I've never quite fit in with a certain group of people, this isn't to say I didn't have friends growing up, I actually had plenty of friends, I just never really seemed to belong in regards to the grand scheme of things.

I would even venture to say that this is still true today.
I can be very loud and obnoxious at times.
I can be very hyper active.
I have absolutely no respect for the status quo.
I care very little what other people think about me.

The funny thing is, all the things listed above are things that people have told me about myself, not things that I have ever consciously thought about myself. While these things are often time brought up to me in a positive light, there have been instances, especially since I've left for college, where I have been told to "calm down", or that I am "making people uncomfortable". A favorite of mine is, "guys aren't interested in you because you're too strong for them, you're too independent.". Seeing as these are positive traits I'm often baffled that guys "wouldn't like me" because of these things. In fact I am often baffled that people would be bothered at all by my "quirky" (in the most non obnoxious hipster way possible) personality, as far as I can tell I don't seem to be causing anyone, or myself, any harm... so why would they even care in the first place? It seemed as if to fit in, in the world I would have to change myself, or rather, "calm down".

I've been told the same sorts of things in regards to romantic relationships.
"boys want to date girls who they feel need them"
"sometimes, you have to let him take charge"
and my all time favorite, "Boys don't like funny girls".
Over time I've honed my "strangeness" into a sense of humor mostly consisting of stupid puns and irony, a sense of humor that I'm actually quite proud of. I've always been able to make people laugh but unfortunately, it seems that this is not a positive trait for someone of the female gender to possess. Boys are supposed to make girls laugh. Not vice versa, this way the boy is, in a sense controlling the girl... but that's a blog post for a different time, I'm getting off track here.

There was a time in my life when I did try to change in order to please the world, this was mainly due to a lack of self confidence and a feeling of inferiority caused by a nasty combination of adolescence, anxiety and bullying. Needless to say during this time I was miserable.
But then I had the epiphany that changed everything.
I realized that if someone is going to want to be my friend or is going to want to be my boyfriend, they should accept ME for who I am. I shouldn't have to change for them! If others are going to hate then fine! Let them hate! I don't have to morph myself into a false person to gain their respect.. because in the end, I don't need it!

After this epiphany I made a lot more friends as well as a lot better friends. I came to realize that if I refused to "calm down" I would actually have a lot more fun and be a lot happier than I would otherwise. Because to quote the late great Dr. Suess, "Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind". So whenever someone asks me; "how do you do it? how do you just not care what other people think". I respond by telling them I do care what other people think, but only those people who treat me with the same respect.

Maybe we should all stop trying to change for society. Maybe society should start changing instead.

-Ellen