Oh Captain, My Captain.

"You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it."

Robin Williams

Last night around 10 p.m I found myself standing with my mother in the middle of our kitchen crying my eyes out over the death of a man I have never met. I felt as if I had lost a very close family friend or even that one goofy uncle you don't see that often, but when you do, it's the best day of your life. Judging from different reactions I've seen from not only from people I know personally, but also those across the internet, many of you felt the same way. So why is it that we all feel as though we've lost our dear Uncle Robin? Why are we all so terribly heart broken by this death, rather than the death of any other celebrity? 

                                               (internet celebrity/songwriter/personality, Toby Turner, posted this video in response last night)

I think the answer lies in a couple of things. The first is that none of us could have possibly seen this coming. Here was a person, who made a career out of making other people happy. Who seemed to always be mid joke. Who to many of us, was a sort of ray of sunshine we could always keep around when we needed a pick me up. So how could it be that this man, who many of us grew up with, could be so sad that he made the decision to take his own life? How could it be that someone so loved, so admired, could have such a great darkness inside him? Many of us had almost immortalized this man in our minds, and to see him go in this way felt like we we're all simultaneously being hit in the chest with a ton of bricks. 

The grief felt  is, I think, also due to the fact that, well, we kind of did lose our goofy Uncle Robin. I can think of very view childhood movies that I held dear to my heart that he was not a part of. Whether it was Ferngully, Flubber, Aladdin, Jumanji,Hook or so many more; these movies we're an integral part of shaping me into the person I am today. And then as an adolescent and young adult watching movies like Dead Poets Society and Good Will Hunting, movies that would and will haunt me for years to come. Not only did we welcome this mans humor and deeper thinking into our home with open arms via movies and television, we welcomed his authenticity and genuine care for others. We spent time listening about his work with St. Judes Children's Hospital. We watched him go visit the troops overseas on numerous occasions. We read stories about nothing but good encounters people had with the man. 

We all feel this great loss because well, in a sense, we did know him. He was that close family friend or goofy Uncle. Or at least, he was genuine and real enough to make us all fee that way. 

-Ellen 

Don't Stop Singing

“We do on stage things that are supposed to happen off. Which is a kind of integrity, if you look on every exit as being an entrance somewhere else.” 
― Tom Stoppard, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead



This post is going to be a bit different from my previous ones, as this one is going to be more personal rather than some sort of deep philosophical crap I came up with off the top of my head to share with the internet, only worsening my own messiah complex. This post is going to be about the therapeutic effects of drama and the performing arts, and about how I believe participating in these art forms has saved me on multiple occurrences.

    To get into this, things are going to have to get a little personal, so lets slip into something a little comfortable and get to know each other a little better.

I was 9 years old when I was originally diagnosed with a healthy dose of anxiety mixed with an even healthier does of ADHD. I cried a lot. Like a lot a lot. Like I'm talking an obnoxious amount of crying. I cried about things 9 year old's shouldn't even be thinking about, like death, and the doubt of the existence of an after life (which before you say anything, yes I do believe in) and all that fun stuff. I think it's safe to say I was a pretty unhappy 3rd grader with a lot of heavy stuff on her mind. The year I was diagnosed with all these goodies was also the year I was in my first ever musical; The Jungle Book, and took my first ever drama lessons. It was at these drama lessons and during this musical that I felt happy. That I wasn't thinking about how vast the universe is and how death is inevitable. It was while I was dressed as an orangutan singing about  becoming a man cub that I was having fun, and loving every second of life.

This was my first taste of theater and it was that year that set my life on course towards show after show.

I was very involved in drama until the start of Middle School, when at this point the only exposure I got to drama was during my "Theater Arts" class which I took every year as my elective, seeing as it was my favorite class. Middle School was needless to say rough, as it was for many people. I was bullied by my peers and dreaded getting out of bed everyday. Life seemed pointless, and to tell you the truth if you we're to ask me about something that happened in middle school I probably couldn't recall it, it's almost like middle school is just one big repressed memory. Thinking back on it, I'm almost certain that if I would have sought help, I would have been diagnosed with some sort of depression. I was lonely, afraid and sad.

My summer going into the 8th grade I participated in a musical theater camp (note that this was during the sad woe is me Ellen era). My first day of camp I was nervous and prepared to spend another two weeks lonely, only this time with more singing and dancing. As soon as I entered the theater a girl ran up to me and gave me a hug, I was a bit surprised by this, and my face must of shown it because the girl followed up the hug with, "I'm sorry... you just looked lonely". I often wonder if that girl ever realized how much that meant to 13 year old Ellen. At this musical theater camp I rekindled my love for performing arts and found home once again in the theater.

Even though I am by no means a phenomenal actor or singer (definitely not dancer)

^actual footage of me dancing 

 I continued my high school career participating in shows, choirs, piano and voice lessons. I found a home and a family like no other in my high schools arts department (or as we lovingly called it; "The F Wing") and I will forever be grateful that I got to experience such a fantastic and loving program. Although I was never cast a lead or given many big solos during my time in the F-Wing, I would not change the experience I had for the world. However at the end of my senior year I went through some stuff and swore to myself I would cut down my participation in performing arts when I entered college.

Up until recently college has been a less than perfect experience for me. I once again sunk into a depression and had no motivation to participate in life or go out and make friends. I felt trapped and even considered leaving my school and trying something new, for the sake of my own mental health. I have only realized what I have been missing in my life recently. That thing I have been missing is drama and the performing arts. I have been helping out with my school's Children's Theater for the past couple of weeks, and for the first time since coming to school I feel not so sad. Although I am only on run/stage crew, just the act of sitting back stage makes me feel more at peace and at home.

Every time I have fallen into a dark place it was been the arts that has pulled me out in some way shape or form. I truly believe that the arts have a truly therapeutic effect on people and can help people through tough times like nothing else.

The moral I hope you all get from my story is this; no matter how ticked you get that you didn't get the role, or how stressed you get during tech week, if you find passion in something don't give it up for trivial reasons. In the end it is what we love that gives us life.

Please, don't stop singing.

-Ellen

Anyone Can be A John Green.

" Don't think of it as a problem think of it as a challenge. There can be many forms of John Green . Or wouldn't it be great if there were more people like him in all areas of life."  - My Mom

"I just love him and have such respect for how he’s made the world safe for a lot of kids to be who they are. It took me to age 35 to be who I was; if I were 15 now, John would save me years of angst. He is a holy man."  - Laurie Halse Anderson on John Green. 

I want to be John Green. This is something I have just recently come to terms with. And not just in the, "I make YouTube videos and am working on a book" kind of way. In the, "hey I really like what this guy stands for and would really like to emulate that" kind of way, (okay maybe also a little bit of the making YouTube videos writing way but that's not the point). Upon the discovery that I wanted to be just like a 36 year old man who has an army of teenagers at his command, I started to ask myself some questions.


"What makes me want to be John Green?"


"How could I ever even COMPARE to such a highly regarded person?"


"What do I even mean when I say I want to be John Green?"

~


A little over a year ago I attended John and Hank Green's Evening of Awesome at Carnegie Hall. It was an experience that effected me in a way that I've never fully expressed, one memory from that night that sticks out to me involves, you guessed it, wanting to be John Green. My friend and I were waiting in the long line to get merch and we struck up a conversation with the girls standing in front of us. They we're extremely friendly and polite (as nerdfighters often are) and were both college students. When I asked them what they were majoring in, one girl responded, "Creative Writing... so basically I'm majoring in being a barista at your local Starbucks haha". Although in the back of my mind I kind of agreed I told her, "that's not fair! You never know what could happen!". She chuckled, sighed, and responded with,"Yeah I guess my problem is I want to be John Green."


I've thought about that a lot since that night. And I've come to the conclusion that we should all want to be a little bit like John Green. Even if this only means finally writing that book you've had the idea for, for years. John and Hank Green have created a safe haven for the different, the dreamers and the people who simply demand more out of life. They do enormous amounts of work for charity, through the annual Project for Awesome, enormous donations from their own profits, and many other things. John himself, suffers from severe anxiety and has only recently overcome a nasty case of depression. He has stated multiple times that he loves meeting his beloved nerdfighters in public, however he only asks that they do not ask for a hug, because the answer will be no. When he was in college he was told that his writing was terrible, and based off of talks and interviews, he would agree.

^this is a video in which John addresses his depression




http://fishingboatproceeds.tumblr.com/post/65003063968/john-i-have-really-really-bad-anxiety-i-know-in-the

^this is a post John made regarding his anxiety.


To me, being a John Green means following your dreams despite handicaps and hold backs. Being a John Green is showing compassion for others and treating those younger than you with the same respect as you would treat someone of your age or older. It means not getting a big head if you do achieve your dreams. It means having a sense of humor when discussing big issues. Being a John Green means staying energetic and positive in order to inspire and motivate young and old people alike to do something great.

I don't think the girl at Carnegie Hall a little over a year had the problem of "wanting to be John Green".


I think she had the right idea.



I think we should all want to be John Green.