Two Decades

“When you're young, you always feel that life hasn't yet begun—that "life" is always scheduled to begin next week, next month, next year, after the holidays—whenever. But then suddenly you're old and the scheduled life didn't arrive. You find yourself asking, 'Well then, exactly what was it I was having—that interlude—the scrambly madness—all that time I had before?” 
― Douglas Coupland

Uh... umm.... hey guys, It's, uh.. it's been awhile. Ha. Sorry about... that. I do however, have an excuse. I have been extraordinarily busy with school work and a couple of special side projects, including a nifty little web show called, "In Earnest" which you can find here. I've also been working on writing some music, working in the dish room, hosting a radio show, doing some stage work and spreading my little social butterfly wings. All the while with the knowledge that the impending doom of the number "20" was waiting for me, lurking just around the corner.

Well.

November 19th was the day. It was the day I was  forced to meet that terrifying number and come to terms with the fact that I am no longer in fact, a teenage dirt bag, baby.

                                        

November 19th I traded in my teen angst for a healthy serving young adult existential crisis. Although the thought of being a "20 something" is admittedly a terrifying one, the more I've thought about it, the more ready for it I am. The more I realize how much I have grown from this time last year in ways I didn't think I could. 

Last year I tasked myself with a list of "birthday resolutions" to accomplish before the big 2-0. This list included a multitude of things, notably;

• Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Instead of sitting around on the internet all day wallowing in self-pity get up and do something. I did get up and do something, a lot of something, in fact I did so many somethings I haven't even had time to post to this blog in months
• Being sad is not romantic or tragically beautiful. Be Happy. Anyone who's been around be recently can attest to the fact that I am smiling a lot more than I was this time last year
• Realize that the future is a crazy place filled with who knows what. Just because you're working towards something right now, that does not mean that's that. Well I recently changed my major from education to Marketing. Needless to say this was not something I had planned for the future. 

This post isn't just about my existential crisis ridden entrance into young adulthood, This post is about growth.

 This time last year I was depressed. I had zero motivation to do anything and the thought of going back to school after Thanksgiving break to deal with finals and term papers was enough to send me into devastating panic attacks. This Thanksgiving break, the thought of going back to school barely phased me and was in fact almost welcomed. Over Thanksgiving break I came to the realization that since last year, I have entered into a new stage of life. I no longer crave my return to my hometown on breaks. As much as I love my family, I enjoy the independence of spending time away from them. I want to take charge of my own life rather than have someone else take care of everything for me.

Growth has always been a scary thing to me. But since I've allowed myself to grow I've become much happier and content with my current life stage. The swirling vortex of confusion and doom called my future, has become the cave of treasures yet to be uncovered in the dark.

Let yourselves grow, Friends.

-Ellen

Anyone Can be A John Green.

" Don't think of it as a problem think of it as a challenge. There can be many forms of John Green . Or wouldn't it be great if there were more people like him in all areas of life."  - My Mom

"I just love him and have such respect for how he’s made the world safe for a lot of kids to be who they are. It took me to age 35 to be who I was; if I were 15 now, John would save me years of angst. He is a holy man."  - Laurie Halse Anderson on John Green. 

I want to be John Green. This is something I have just recently come to terms with. And not just in the, "I make YouTube videos and am working on a book" kind of way. In the, "hey I really like what this guy stands for and would really like to emulate that" kind of way, (okay maybe also a little bit of the making YouTube videos writing way but that's not the point). Upon the discovery that I wanted to be just like a 36 year old man who has an army of teenagers at his command, I started to ask myself some questions.


"What makes me want to be John Green?"


"How could I ever even COMPARE to such a highly regarded person?"


"What do I even mean when I say I want to be John Green?"

~


A little over a year ago I attended John and Hank Green's Evening of Awesome at Carnegie Hall. It was an experience that effected me in a way that I've never fully expressed, one memory from that night that sticks out to me involves, you guessed it, wanting to be John Green. My friend and I were waiting in the long line to get merch and we struck up a conversation with the girls standing in front of us. They we're extremely friendly and polite (as nerdfighters often are) and were both college students. When I asked them what they were majoring in, one girl responded, "Creative Writing... so basically I'm majoring in being a barista at your local Starbucks haha". Although in the back of my mind I kind of agreed I told her, "that's not fair! You never know what could happen!". She chuckled, sighed, and responded with,"Yeah I guess my problem is I want to be John Green."


I've thought about that a lot since that night. And I've come to the conclusion that we should all want to be a little bit like John Green. Even if this only means finally writing that book you've had the idea for, for years. John and Hank Green have created a safe haven for the different, the dreamers and the people who simply demand more out of life. They do enormous amounts of work for charity, through the annual Project for Awesome, enormous donations from their own profits, and many other things. John himself, suffers from severe anxiety and has only recently overcome a nasty case of depression. He has stated multiple times that he loves meeting his beloved nerdfighters in public, however he only asks that they do not ask for a hug, because the answer will be no. When he was in college he was told that his writing was terrible, and based off of talks and interviews, he would agree.

^this is a video in which John addresses his depression




http://fishingboatproceeds.tumblr.com/post/65003063968/john-i-have-really-really-bad-anxiety-i-know-in-the

^this is a post John made regarding his anxiety.


To me, being a John Green means following your dreams despite handicaps and hold backs. Being a John Green is showing compassion for others and treating those younger than you with the same respect as you would treat someone of your age or older. It means not getting a big head if you do achieve your dreams. It means having a sense of humor when discussing big issues. Being a John Green means staying energetic and positive in order to inspire and motivate young and old people alike to do something great.

I don't think the girl at Carnegie Hall a little over a year had the problem of "wanting to be John Green".


I think she had the right idea.



I think we should all want to be John Green.

An Inconvenient Truth.

“Stop taking pride in your ability to destroy yourself.”

—	Michelle K.

 I am about to make a statement, a statement that many of you are most likely not going to agree with. I believe that people enjoy being busy, stressed and sleep deprived. "But Ellen, what would possibly possess you to think such a thing?". Well today is your lucky day because you're about to find out!

 "Ugh, I wish I had time to see that new movie"

  "You got a full 8 hours last night? Lucky! I only got 3 hours of sleep last night!"

  "Don't even talk to me about being busy, have you SEEN my schedule lately??"

  " Here, let me walk you through my super busy schedule so that you can feel less accomplished than me"

Chances are, you have come across people who are OBSESSED with statements like the ones above, although they may not be as blunt about it. It's the; "look how much more I'm doing than you! I'm accomplishing so much more than you!" attitude. However if we were being completely honest with ourselves, it's more of the; "look at how sleep deprived I am! I'm going to die from a stress induced heart attack at a much younger age than you!" attitude. So why do people feel the need to let everyone know just how busy they are? Why are people so proud of the fact that they working themselves to death? I personally blame a very evident shift in our societies views on what's more important; sleep and relaxation, or doing something with every minute of our existence.
     To prove this point I'm going to go to a couple quotes, our first quote comes from William Shakespeare's Henry IV;

 "O sleep! O gentle sleep! 

Nature’s soft nurse, how have I frighted thee,
That thou no more wilt weigh my eyelids down 
And steep my senses in forgetfulness? 
Why rather, sleep, liest thou in smoky cribs,
Upon uneasy pallets stretching thee,
And hush’d with buzzing night-flies to thy slumber,
Than in the perfum’d chambers of the great,
Under the canopies of costly state, 
And lull’d with sound of sweetest melody?".

Sounds like sleep is pretty great right? Then why did our ideals shift from the idea that sleep is great and something to love and enjoy to this quote from Thomas Edison, “Sleep is a criminal waste of time, inherited from our cave days". We have become a society of, "You can sleep when you're dead" thinkers, and with this attitude, that might be sooner than you think. 

Because of our societies praise of hard work, never ceasing, you must go, GO, GO. People feel the need to prove to others that they are really busy all the time. It's a sick game of "yeah you're really busy I guess.. but look at ME!". 

     And here is where we come to the inconvenient truth mentioned in the title. No one really cares how busy you are. If anything; you're only making others feel bad about not overloading their own schedules, thus furthering the cycle. No one cares to take a look at your schedule or to hear about how little sleep you got last night because you were reading a text book you aren't going to retain for the next day anyway. Trust me; everyone is just as busy as you are and don't need to hear your schedule as well. 

     I guess the real question I'm asking is; since when was sacrificing physical and mental health something to brag about?

-Ellen