Two Decades

“When you're young, you always feel that life hasn't yet begun—that "life" is always scheduled to begin next week, next month, next year, after the holidays—whenever. But then suddenly you're old and the scheduled life didn't arrive. You find yourself asking, 'Well then, exactly what was it I was having—that interlude—the scrambly madness—all that time I had before?” 
― Douglas Coupland

Uh... umm.... hey guys, It's, uh.. it's been awhile. Ha. Sorry about... that. I do however, have an excuse. I have been extraordinarily busy with school work and a couple of special side projects, including a nifty little web show called, "In Earnest" which you can find here. I've also been working on writing some music, working in the dish room, hosting a radio show, doing some stage work and spreading my little social butterfly wings. All the while with the knowledge that the impending doom of the number "20" was waiting for me, lurking just around the corner.

Well.

November 19th was the day. It was the day I was  forced to meet that terrifying number and come to terms with the fact that I am no longer in fact, a teenage dirt bag, baby.

                                        

November 19th I traded in my teen angst for a healthy serving young adult existential crisis. Although the thought of being a "20 something" is admittedly a terrifying one, the more I've thought about it, the more ready for it I am. The more I realize how much I have grown from this time last year in ways I didn't think I could. 

Last year I tasked myself with a list of "birthday resolutions" to accomplish before the big 2-0. This list included a multitude of things, notably;

• Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Instead of sitting around on the internet all day wallowing in self-pity get up and do something. I did get up and do something, a lot of something, in fact I did so many somethings I haven't even had time to post to this blog in months
• Being sad is not romantic or tragically beautiful. Be Happy. Anyone who's been around be recently can attest to the fact that I am smiling a lot more than I was this time last year
• Realize that the future is a crazy place filled with who knows what. Just because you're working towards something right now, that does not mean that's that. Well I recently changed my major from education to Marketing. Needless to say this was not something I had planned for the future. 

This post isn't just about my existential crisis ridden entrance into young adulthood, This post is about growth.

 This time last year I was depressed. I had zero motivation to do anything and the thought of going back to school after Thanksgiving break to deal with finals and term papers was enough to send me into devastating panic attacks. This Thanksgiving break, the thought of going back to school barely phased me and was in fact almost welcomed. Over Thanksgiving break I came to the realization that since last year, I have entered into a new stage of life. I no longer crave my return to my hometown on breaks. As much as I love my family, I enjoy the independence of spending time away from them. I want to take charge of my own life rather than have someone else take care of everything for me.

Growth has always been a scary thing to me. But since I've allowed myself to grow I've become much happier and content with my current life stage. The swirling vortex of confusion and doom called my future, has become the cave of treasures yet to be uncovered in the dark.

Let yourselves grow, Friends.

-Ellen

Don't be Dark Matter

“Scientists talk about dark matter, the invisible, mysterious substance that occupies the space between stars. Dark matter makes up 99.99 percent of the universe, and they don't know what it is. Well I do. It's apathy. That's the truth of it; pile together everything we know and care about in the universe and it will still be nothing more than a tiny speck in the middle of a vast black ocean of Who Gives a F**k.” 
― David Wong, John Dies at the End


I have recently become quite concerned over the direction my life seems to be heading and the person who I have become.

My friends often joke;

"ha there's Ellen, such a cynic"
"Why would you want to go outside? You hate the outdoors!"
"Yeah... but you're too lazy for that you would never actually do it haha"

While I know these jokes are all in good humor I can't help but feel that they are a reflection of the image I have created for myself. I have turned myself into a person who would probably agree with the following statements... and I have to say I'm not proud of it.

"Who would put forth effort towards that? Ha I'm much too lazy... being lazy is hilarious!"
"Why would I go outside when I have the internet and self pity to keep me company?"
"I don't need people. Socializing is for losers hahaha"

This is no way to live a life. And I am done being the person who thinks being pathetic is funny. Or that being a cynic makes you cool. It's not quirky and cool to "hate everyone."

While I think on this and work on becoming a better person I encourage you all to do the same. We seem to be the generation of apathy and cynicism under the impression that not caring is cool and having a deep hatred for other people makes you so alternative and edgy. This needs to stop.

We need stop being lazy. We need to get up, get off the internet, stop laying in bed all day and DO. We need to go outside and breath in fresh air and stop making jokes about how gross the outdoors are. We need to go for runs and explore new things. Stop making excuses, stop saying it's too hard, as cliche as it sounds go grab live by the proverbial horns and take advantage of all it has to offer!

Our generation has so much new technology and opportunities and forms of communication at our fingertips and my greatest fear of this month is that we are going to let it all pass us by because we are too lazy to quite literally stand up and turn off the tv.

Take responsibility, take charge and stop wallowing in self pity. Create, explore, learn and experience life before it's too late.

-Ellen