"We, of our time, have played our part in the perseverance, and we have pledged ourselves to the dead generations who have preserved intact for us this glorious heritage, that we, too, will strive to be faithful to the end, and pass on this tradition unblemished." - Eamon de ValeraI
I was 12 years old when I got braces. Due to a scheduling conflict I also just so happened to be 12 years old when I had a mandatory three hour long choir rehearsal on the day I also got braces. So with a new mouth full of metal and the feeling of my teeth being pulled in directions they'd never naturally gone before I went to sing for 3 hours. And it hurt, and I would have much rather been home watching Spongebob at the time, but I did it.
I did it because I had to.
When I was 6 I learned how to swing across the monkey bars. I was terrified. On one failed attempt the week before I had fallen and chipped my tooth and was certain that was the ultimate outcome of monkey bars. But with my entire Kindergarten class watching and my mother even showing up for the day, the pressure was on and I swung one bar at a time. I would have been perfectly happy living a life sans monkey bars but I did it.
I did it because I had to.
When I was 16 I was in the school talent show. As my song came to a close and the lights were fading I exited the stage- right off the ledge. The dim light saving me from too much embarrassment my fall was seen by the group sitting directly in front of ground zero. I wanted to cry. When asked if I was okay I wanted to say "No! I just fell of stage during the talent show and I'm 16 and everything is awkward!". But instead I picked myself up, laughed, assured everyone I was alright and walked back stage with a smile on my face. I wanted to curl up and disappear, but I did it.
I did it because I had to.
At 18 after 4 faithful years dedicated to my high school's theater program I wasn't cast in the fall play. I cried, I missed a day of school, and then I joined stage crew. I didn't want to join stage crew initially. I was an actor, not a techie! I wanted to be on stage or not be involved at all. However I knew these people were my family away from my family and I had a commitment to them even when I was let down. I knew sometimes things just don't work out and I still had to hold my ground doing what I love to do more than anything else in the world. I wanted to scream out of spite and curse the program to it's grave, but I did it.
I did it because I had to.
When I was 14 I participated in a "Relay for Life Event" where you stay up an entire 24 hours. The day after this event I also had a softball game for the rec league I was on. The initial plan was to skip the game and take a nap after the event was over, until a phone call was received from the coach informing myself and the other girls on my team that had been at the event that we needed to play the game due to a short number of players. I was falling asleep on the field. I felt sick and light headed. But I did it.
I did it because I had to.
A few months ago I had finals week for the spring semester of my junior year. This finals week was particularly important because my grades previous semester's had not been as up to par as I would have liked so I had to do well on them to get that GPA I was after. A week before finals week a whole slew of things went wrong (that I won't go into detail about) in my life. Life was throwing me punch, after punch, after punch and I was defeated. I wanted to curl up and cry and disappear and for a couple of days, I did just that. But then after letting the sadness visit for a bit I informed it, it was overstaying it's welcome and kicked it out of my home. I became completely immersed in my studies day and night and the result was the best grades I've received thus far in my college career. Depression made me think I wanted to quit everything and build a fence around my dorm to keep out any more harm that could possibly come my way. But I did it.
I did it because I had to.
The resilience of the human spirit is astounding. Every single person has stories, many leagues more impressive than the simple examples given above, where they did it because they had to. Because that's just how humans are. We do not stand idly by as life tries to knock us down over and over and over again. We brush ourselves off, laugh, and get the job done because we have have commitments we have made to ourselves and those around us. We suffer great loss and suffering and hardships yet still find it within ourselves to wake up the next day and go to work. And you, you are a part of this incredible human race. You are a part of this mad species that has been persevering for generation after generation after generation.
So, this is what I request of you and myself; When it hurts. When you want to quit. When you want nothing more in the world than to disappear into a cloud of smoke.
Do it anyway.
Because you have to.
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Admit You are Afraid.
"Only ever cultivate enough ego to be confident in yourself & in the things you create. Let your vanity end there. Arrogance/hubris =weakness" -Dallon Weekes
I've always been perplexed by my generations idea of self. While on some days I see millennials as an incredibly self loathing generation plagued with depression and suicidal tendencies, on other days I see something completely different.
On some days I see a group of young people that would put Kanye West's vanity to shame. Sometimes I can't help but wonder why we think we are so much better than others, namely other within our own generation.
I often hear my fellow students say things such as "This isn't worth my time, I'm better than this club/class/musical group/ect" or "I mean, she's just an English major, she can't be THAT stressed. At least not as stressed as people with real majors". Or the ever present judgement of students that may not want to stretch themselves with extracurricular activities as much as others.
In this world it's an unforgivable sin to make a spelling error. Thou also shalt not admit to struggling academically. The punishment for not understanding a seemingly simple mathematical concept is stoning. We all must present perfect images to the world around us or face the deathly glares of those who are superior to us, (which somehow manages to be everyone and no one at the same time).
The truth of the matter is this world we have created of perceived perfection is toxic. We are all afraid of failure and not measuring up to our peers, so, we adopt false egos in hopes that no one will notice that fear. False egos that in turn make everyone around us feel inferior, and thus the cycle continues. A cycle that within this past year alone has taken the lives of two of my close friends.
So what is the solution to stopping this viscous cycle?
To put it simply, I don't know. But I do have an idea.
We have to admit to each other, that we are scared. That we in our early 20's are all terrified of failure. Then we must build each other up rather than tearing each other down. If you see a fellow student struggling, offer to help. When you don't get the part you wanted, still step up to the plate to make the show the best it can be for those who did. When you don't make the team, show up to every game to support those who did.
When you do get the part, treat everyone involved with the respect you would want. When you do make the team, do your part to make those who didn't feel less alienated.
Admit you are a afraid. I know I am.
-Ellen
I've always been perplexed by my generations idea of self. While on some days I see millennials as an incredibly self loathing generation plagued with depression and suicidal tendencies, on other days I see something completely different.
On some days I see a group of young people that would put Kanye West's vanity to shame. Sometimes I can't help but wonder why we think we are so much better than others, namely other within our own generation.
I often hear my fellow students say things such as "This isn't worth my time, I'm better than this club/class/musical group/ect" or "I mean, she's just an English major, she can't be THAT stressed. At least not as stressed as people with real majors". Or the ever present judgement of students that may not want to stretch themselves with extracurricular activities as much as others.
In this world it's an unforgivable sin to make a spelling error. Thou also shalt not admit to struggling academically. The punishment for not understanding a seemingly simple mathematical concept is stoning. We all must present perfect images to the world around us or face the deathly glares of those who are superior to us, (which somehow manages to be everyone and no one at the same time).
The truth of the matter is this world we have created of perceived perfection is toxic. We are all afraid of failure and not measuring up to our peers, so, we adopt false egos in hopes that no one will notice that fear. False egos that in turn make everyone around us feel inferior, and thus the cycle continues. A cycle that within this past year alone has taken the lives of two of my close friends.
So what is the solution to stopping this viscous cycle?
To put it simply, I don't know. But I do have an idea.
We have to admit to each other, that we are scared. That we in our early 20's are all terrified of failure. Then we must build each other up rather than tearing each other down. If you see a fellow student struggling, offer to help. When you don't get the part you wanted, still step up to the plate to make the show the best it can be for those who did. When you don't make the team, show up to every game to support those who did.
When you do get the part, treat everyone involved with the respect you would want. When you do make the team, do your part to make those who didn't feel less alienated.
Admit you are a afraid. I know I am.
-Ellen
Saturday, November 14, 2015
Pray for France
If 30 Australians drowned in Sydney Harbour, it would be a national tragedy. But when 30 or more refugees drown off the Australian coast, it is a political question.
I woke up this morning angry. Angry that this happened. And angry at the reaction from many of my friends and family. I usually try to stay quiet on issues such as this because I live in circumstances where expressing a differing "opinion" from those around me results in being a labeled a "crazy liberal looney" or being accused of "attacking" those with a differing opinion, rather than just offering a different point of view (which is 99.9% of the time the reality of the situation). But I have been moved past fear of ostracization during this time of tragedy and wish to present you all with a quick history lesson.
I woke up this morning angry. Angry that this happened. And angry at the reaction from many of my friends and family. I usually try to stay quiet on issues such as this because I live in circumstances where expressing a differing "opinion" from those around me results in being a labeled a "crazy liberal looney" or being accused of "attacking" those with a differing opinion, rather than just offering a different point of view (which is 99.9% of the time the reality of the situation). But I have been moved past fear of ostracization during this time of tragedy and wish to present you all with a quick history lesson.
On December 7, 1941 tragedy struck the United States Naval base on Pearl Harbor. The Japanese forces violently attacked our nation seemingly unprovoked and this made us understandably very angry.
Our nations reaction do these attacks however, would live on as a glaring black spot on our history.
Japanese internment camp after the Pearl Harbor attacks
The American people were quick to generalize and as a nation we came to the conclusion that our Japanese enemies represented all people of Japanese decent. Thus resulting in the internment of all American citizens of Japanese decent.
actor George Takei shares his experience in a Japanese Internment camp
And now I see friends and family suggesting we do the same, or worse, to our Muslim neighbors. We yell, "The Muslims did this! The Muslims must pay!". The Muslims did not do this, a terrorist extremist group called "ISIS" did.
If the anti-Muslim sentiment wasn't bad enough during this time of tragedy, the world is also in the midst of a massive Syrian refugee crisis. Being confused about the crisis when it first hit the media I did some research into the situation and found these helpful video's that really sum up the situation well that I'd like to share with you all now.
I've seen many people on my facebook feed claiming that we absolutely cannot let these refugees into our country now! They are Muslims! They are terrorists!
Some quick research taken from mostly unbiased sources can prove that this is simply not the case. The refugees involved in the crisis are not even all Muslim, many our Hindu, or Christian. And the purpose of their fleeing is not to bring the same terror of their home country they are trying to escape to us, if you think about that for more than a second you realize that conclusion simply doesn't make any sense.
Muslims are not synonymous with ISIS anymore than Christians are synonymous with the Westboro Baptist Church or the KKK.
The enemy here is not Muslims, people of Muslim decent or the refugee's from Syria.
The enemy here is ISIS.
And now more than ever we must unite the world against their evil ways.
Thank you for your time.
-Ellen
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Most of My Friends are Boys
“I'm ADD and psychic. I know things ahead of time but lose track of which is which.”
― S. Kelley Harrell
Living with ADD/ADHD can be a daily struggle for anyone. It's hard to sit through a class, it's hard to know what thoughts are worth saying and what thoughts should be kept to yourself and you usually have a minimum of 10 ideas colliding in your mind at once.
While living with ADHD is tough for anyone who suffers from the illness I want to use this blog post to talk about girls. Being a girl with ADD/ADHD is especially difficult because most of society doesn't expect it from you. I remember sitting in my Ed Psych class my freshman year and being told, "ADHD is usually found in boys, it's actually fairly rare to have a female student with this disability". I remember sitting there after being told this and thinking, "wow... I really must be weird then".
Girls with ADHD suffer from many alienating difficulties specific to their gender. To name a few;
-Acing "lady like" is harder for us. We have trouble sitting still and reading social cues.
-We often have messy handwriting. And believe me, there's nothing more embarrassing than the teacher calling out, "There's a paper with no name on it if somebody wants to claim it, it has messy handwriting so I think it's a boys" and then having to sulk up to the front of the class to claim your paper with "boy handwriting".
-girls are expected to be more still. More preserved. (Which is garbage but that's a blog post for another time) Needless to say girls with ADHD are not that.
-Girls with ADHD are messy. They often times simply forget to clean up after themselves. Which is another trait more often contributed to the male gender (again this is garbage, but a blog post for another time).
-We often have difficulties with fine motor skills as well, which makes doing "girly" things like putting your hair up, doing make up or crafting, very difficult for us.
I can speak from experience when I say growing up as a girl with ADHD often times makes it very hard to fit in, in traditionally feminine spaces. A lot of my close friends growing up were boys because I simply fit in with them more. I had a much better time running around outside than staying inside and playing house. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that!
I wrote this post to let the girls with ADD/ADHD know that they aren't broken. You aren't weird. You're you and that's fantastic!
This is for the girls who have always had to say, "Most of my friends are boys".
-Ellen
― S. Kelley Harrell
Living with ADD/ADHD can be a daily struggle for anyone. It's hard to sit through a class, it's hard to know what thoughts are worth saying and what thoughts should be kept to yourself and you usually have a minimum of 10 ideas colliding in your mind at once.
While living with ADHD is tough for anyone who suffers from the illness I want to use this blog post to talk about girls. Being a girl with ADD/ADHD is especially difficult because most of society doesn't expect it from you. I remember sitting in my Ed Psych class my freshman year and being told, "ADHD is usually found in boys, it's actually fairly rare to have a female student with this disability". I remember sitting there after being told this and thinking, "wow... I really must be weird then".
Girls with ADHD suffer from many alienating difficulties specific to their gender. To name a few;
-Acing "lady like" is harder for us. We have trouble sitting still and reading social cues.
-We often have messy handwriting. And believe me, there's nothing more embarrassing than the teacher calling out, "There's a paper with no name on it if somebody wants to claim it, it has messy handwriting so I think it's a boys" and then having to sulk up to the front of the class to claim your paper with "boy handwriting".
-girls are expected to be more still. More preserved. (Which is garbage but that's a blog post for another time) Needless to say girls with ADHD are not that.
-Girls with ADHD are messy. They often times simply forget to clean up after themselves. Which is another trait more often contributed to the male gender (again this is garbage, but a blog post for another time).
-We often have difficulties with fine motor skills as well, which makes doing "girly" things like putting your hair up, doing make up or crafting, very difficult for us.
I can speak from experience when I say growing up as a girl with ADHD often times makes it very hard to fit in, in traditionally feminine spaces. A lot of my close friends growing up were boys because I simply fit in with them more. I had a much better time running around outside than staying inside and playing house. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that!
I wrote this post to let the girls with ADD/ADHD know that they aren't broken. You aren't weird. You're you and that's fantastic!
This is for the girls who have always had to say, "Most of my friends are boys".
-Ellen
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
Life is What Happens
Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.
Today I threw away my plans. No I don't think you understand... I literally threw away a piece of paper I have kept for over a year now that had my plans for my life outlined, point by point. I had kept it tucked away in my pencil holder at my desk in my cubicle at my summer job. Whenever I would start to feel down I would pick it up, unfold the piece of paper, and remind myself to keep my eyes on the prize. Scribbled at the bottom was the quote, "Tell me, are your afflictions dear to you?", providing a constant reminder that if I allow myself to become resigned to a situation I don't like, I am essentially holding that situation near and dear to my heart. Laziness is the enemy of happiness and contentedness.
But today. Today I threw that paper away.
Today I threw away my plans. No I don't think you understand... I literally threw away a piece of paper I have kept for over a year now that had my plans for my life outlined, point by point. I had kept it tucked away in my pencil holder at my desk in my cubicle at my summer job. Whenever I would start to feel down I would pick it up, unfold the piece of paper, and remind myself to keep my eyes on the prize. Scribbled at the bottom was the quote, "Tell me, are your afflictions dear to you?", providing a constant reminder that if I allow myself to become resigned to a situation I don't like, I am essentially holding that situation near and dear to my heart. Laziness is the enemy of happiness and contentedness.
But today. Today I threw that paper away.
"But Ellen, Why would you throw something so important away? Nothing is wrong about making goals!"
You're absolutely right! There is nothing wrong with keeping an end goal in mind whilst going about your everyday life. The issue lies in the plan. This wasn't simply a piece of paper that said "someday I'm going to do____". This paper had bullet points. This paper had a detailed timeline. And most importantly, this paper had A LOT of scribbled out words.
-"Get a teaching job!" became "get a good starter job in marketing!"
-"Either don't get married or wait until you have a career!" became "eehhhhhh I guess you can get married and still have a career"
- "Learn how to make a new kind of guacamole recipe!" became "DO NOT DO THIS YOU ARE VERY ALLERGIC TO GUACAMOLE"
Well... maybe that last one was an exaggeration... I am allergic to guacamole though...
The point is... my plan kept changing.
And that's okay! That means I'm growing and becoming more of the person I'm meant to become. But that also means I can't be keeping around pieces of paper with my entire life planned out in blue ink. It's unreasonable to think you can plan everything out with a ballpoint pen and a yellow legal pad. Life is far too complicated and magnificently bizarre to ever be reduced to that sort of thing. However life is also filled with way too many amazing opportunities and adventures to simply throw up a white flag and say, "well. I guess this is something". Keep you goals tattooed on your heart, not on a spreadsheet.
Today. I threw my plans away. But let me ask you, are your afflictions dear to you?
-Ellen
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
The Punchline
"The bad thing about being a famous comedian is that every now and then someone approaches me to tell an old joke. Don't tell me jokes - I have that. People also say the weirdest things, sometimes sarcastic things, and even evil things. They like to provoke to get a reaction."
- Robin Williams
If I'm being completely honest with all of you I had every intention of abandoning this blog months ago. And I followed through with those intentions for a very long time. However recently I've felt inclined to pick it back up instead of leaving it in a box on a street corner "with free to a good home" written on the side, for the sole purpose of writing this post.
When you first meet me I will come off as very shy. And I'll probably come off that way for the first few months we know each other if I'm being completely honest. (If you listen closely you can hear the sounds of people who have known me for years and know me as anything but "shy" laughing at the fact I would ever claim such a thing). But it's true. I will stand in corners and not participate, maybe murmur a joke every now and again. That's because I'm waiting to find out how to position myself as the punchline.
I was in 4th grade when I first discovered the magic of the position of punchline. It was a year after I had been diagnosed with ADHD and Anxiety and in my 9 year old brain that all meant I was crazy. It meant that nothing I could ever say would ever be considered valid and it meant despite how everyone acted towards me, no one was ever really listening to me. It meant I was stupid, a burden, not really worth anyone's time. But then one day on the playground I found it. I was sitting with a friend of mine next to the kick ball court quoting Spongebob (as most 9-22 year old's do) when I proclaimed, "I'M UGLY AND I'M PROUD!".
She laughed.
She called people over.
They were paying attention to me.
"huh" I thought... "I'm ugly and I'm proud."
Now of course I didn't actually think I was ugly. But I did think I was stupid, clumsy, lazy, ect. So I started to make jokes about these things-
"ha, classic me, can't figure this thing out... I'm so stupid!" *cue laugh track*.
After this sort of self deprecating humor continued for awhile I had taken my throne as the punchline of my group of friends. I was the one you made fun of because I wouldn't fight back, I would laugh along with you. My reign as punchline lasted many years and many different groups of friends. I was getting the attention I had always craved but I couldn't help the feeling that although all of these people were paying attention to me, I still wasn't really being listened to. I wasn't a whole person.... I was the joke. I was the satire, I was the irony, I was the comedic relief when everyone else needed it. The things I said were funny, the situations I found myself in were funny, my existence was funny.
When I got accepted to a good school I felt like I couldn't share my excitement with anyone... because that wasn't funny.
When I got the big solo I told very few people... because that's not something the punchline would do.
Getting inducted into the National Honor's Society???? Where's the humor in that???
Punchline's trip on banana peels.
Punchline's get squashed by falling anvils.
Punchline's get slapped by handles of unsuspecting rakes.
Punchline's do not win awards.
It was the end of my senior year I realized the throne I sat on was made of barbed wire.
I no longer wanted to be the punchline.
But how do you have a voice when it's not reciprocated by laughter?
I'm still struggling with the idea that people would really care about what I have to say and that my opinions are just as valid as those around me. I spent so many years sitting on my rusty throne that I'm still pulling metal splinters out from my side and slapping bandages of validity over the scars they leave.
But this I know, I am no longer the joke. And you don't have to be a joke to be important.
You are valid and important. You are not below your peers.
You don't have to be the punchline.
-Ellen
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Two Decades
“When you're young, you always feel that life hasn't yet begun—that "life" is always scheduled to begin next week, next month, next year, after the holidays—whenever. But then suddenly you're old and the scheduled life didn't arrive. You find yourself asking, 'Well then, exactly what was it I was having—that interlude—the scrambly madness—all that time I had before?”
― Douglas Coupland
Uh... umm.... hey guys, It's, uh.. it's been awhile. Ha. Sorry about... that. I do however, have an excuse. I have been extraordinarily busy with school work and a couple of special side projects, including a nifty little web show called, "In Earnest" which you can find here. I've also been working on writing some music, working in the dish room, hosting a radio show, doing some stage work and spreading my little social butterfly wings. All the while with the knowledge that the impending doom of the number "20" was waiting for me, lurking just around the corner.
Well.
November 19th was the day. It was the day I was forced to meet that terrifying number and come to terms with the fact that I am no longer in fact, a teenage dirt bag, baby.
This time last year I was depressed. I had zero motivation to do anything and the thought of going back to school after Thanksgiving break to deal with finals and term papers was enough to send me into devastating panic attacks. This Thanksgiving break, the thought of going back to school barely phased me and was in fact almost welcomed. Over Thanksgiving break I came to the realization that since last year, I have entered into a new stage of life. I no longer crave my return to my hometown on breaks. As much as I love my family, I enjoy the independence of spending time away from them. I want to take charge of my own life rather than have someone else take care of everything for me.
Growth has always been a scary thing to me. But since I've allowed myself to grow I've become much happier and content with my current life stage. The swirling vortex of confusion and doom called my future, has become the cave of treasures yet to be uncovered in the dark.
Let yourselves grow, Friends.
-Ellen
― Douglas Coupland
Uh... umm.... hey guys, It's, uh.. it's been awhile. Ha. Sorry about... that. I do however, have an excuse. I have been extraordinarily busy with school work and a couple of special side projects, including a nifty little web show called, "In Earnest" which you can find here. I've also been working on writing some music, working in the dish room, hosting a radio show, doing some stage work and spreading my little social butterfly wings. All the while with the knowledge that the impending doom of the number "20" was waiting for me, lurking just around the corner.
Well.
November 19th was the day. It was the day I was forced to meet that terrifying number and come to terms with the fact that I am no longer in fact, a teenage dirt bag, baby.
November 19th I traded in my teen angst for a healthy serving young adult existential crisis. Although the thought of being a "20 something" is admittedly a terrifying one, the more I've thought about it, the more ready for it I am. The more I realize how much I have grown from this time last year in ways I didn't think I could.
Last year I tasked myself with a list of "birthday resolutions" to accomplish before the big 2-0. This list included a multitude of things, notably;
- Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Instead of sitting around on the internet all day wallowing in self-pity get up and do something. I did get up and do something, a lot of something, in fact I did so many somethings I haven't even had time to post to this blog in months
- Being sad is not romantic or tragically beautiful. Be Happy. Anyone who's been around be recently can attest to the fact that I am smiling a lot more than I was this time last year
- Realize that the future is a crazy place filled with who knows what. Just because you're working towards something right now, that does not mean that's that. Well I recently changed my major from education to Marketing. Needless to say this was not something I had planned for the future.
This time last year I was depressed. I had zero motivation to do anything and the thought of going back to school after Thanksgiving break to deal with finals and term papers was enough to send me into devastating panic attacks. This Thanksgiving break, the thought of going back to school barely phased me and was in fact almost welcomed. Over Thanksgiving break I came to the realization that since last year, I have entered into a new stage of life. I no longer crave my return to my hometown on breaks. As much as I love my family, I enjoy the independence of spending time away from them. I want to take charge of my own life rather than have someone else take care of everything for me.
Growth has always been a scary thing to me. But since I've allowed myself to grow I've become much happier and content with my current life stage. The swirling vortex of confusion and doom called my future, has become the cave of treasures yet to be uncovered in the dark.
Let yourselves grow, Friends.
-Ellen
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