"One day, you’re 17 and you’re planning for someday. And then quietly, without you ever really noticing, someday is today. And then someday is yesterday. And this is your life."
Do you ever think about when you really decided what you really want to do with your life? Did you have it all figured out at the age of 12? Did you take a test in high school that told you which job you would be most suited for? Maybe it was the day your mother came home from her job as a nurse and told you another remarkable story about how she has saved yet another young child's life. I however, never really figured it all out. I made the decision to attend college because that's what people do, and I decided to get a degree in education because it was safe and produced a steady income.
Before I continue I guess I should tell you a little bit about myself to put things into perspective. My name is Ellen and I am 18 years old, however I turn 19 in a little over a month. I attend a very Christian Conservative College and am currently a History Secondary Education major. I grew up in a town about 45 minutes outside of D.C and attended a very good public high school filled with high standards and high students. I was an only child until the second grade but then everything changed when the fire nation attacked. And by the fire nation attacked I mean my little brother, Lon, was born. I love him more than anything in the entire world and will end anyone who lays a finger on him, besides me of course. At the fresh young age of 9 I was simultaneously diagnosed ADHD and anxiety, I guess that's what you get for having a hyper active imagination and crying all the time. As previously stated I go to an extremely conservative college (although I'm not what you would call extremely conservative) with a great many strict rules to follow ( although I'm not too found of the whole "other people telling me how to live my life" thing) and extraordinarily high academic standards (although I tend to have some issues with focusing in class rather than doodling in a notebook). Don't get me wrong, the school is great and I love my friends here, I just seem to be realizing more and more everyday that this is not what I intended my life to become. The only problem is... what did I ever intend my life to become?
The way I see it the education system works like this; You go to elementary school where they encourage you to be creative and learn numbers and letters and how to spell and everyone's encouraged to be an individual and we're all told the most epic lie of all time, "you can be whatever you want to be when you grow up!". From here you go to hell/ I mean Middle School. Here is where things start to go sour. This is the first time you are seriously asked the big questions and told some rotten truths, "What do you want to go to school for" and "You should really think about getting that GPA up to prepare for High School, you don't wanna end up like that crazy bum that lives in the trash can down the street!". However in Middle School they do still allow some dreamers, for example when asked what I wanted to do with my life in the 8th grade I wrote, "I want to be a Broadway performer!" Silly past Ellen, that's not profitable! From here we go to the big times. The final inning. The last hoorah of public education. Your first semester of High School you meet with a guidance counselor who's office smells like peppermint and tears and who has a voice that sounds just a little too sweet. They ask you to fill out your 4 year plan.. leading of course to the greater end goal that is your life. "Don't worry!" they tell you, "This is nothing permanent! you can change it later if you want!". What they don't realize is that they have just put the weight of the world on a poor 15 year old girl who has severe anxiety's shoulders. You start to think about things in a more reasonable way, "why would I ever say I wanted to be a Broadway performer? That's so stupid... I need to find myself a nice reasonable job". And that's the end of that. That is how you end up having a mental breakdown at the end of Junior year because everyone else seems to have their lives figured out while you still have no idea how to keep your sims alive without cheats.
I'm hoping this first post gives you a little insight into where I'm coming from. No, every post is not going to be a big middle finger to the system and no, I do not hate the school system or the idea of going to college. I'm just a bit lost on where I'm supposed to be right now. I'm going to use this blog simply as a place to put down my thoughts on things (I have lots of thoughts on things as you might imagine) and give a little insight into the mind of a mentally unstable fangirl.
-Ellen
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