Because We Have To

"We, of our time, have played our part in the perseverance, and we have pledged ourselves to the dead generations who have preserved intact for us this glorious heritage, that we, too, will strive to be faithful to the end, and pass on this tradition unblemished."   - Eamon de ValeraI 




I was 12 years old when I got braces. Due to a scheduling conflict I also just so happened to be 12 years old when I had a mandatory three hour long choir rehearsal on the day I also got braces. So with a new mouth full of metal and the feeling of my teeth being pulled in directions they'd never naturally gone before I went to sing for 3 hours. And it hurt, and I would have much rather been home watching Spongebob at the time, but I did it. 
I did it because I had to. 

When I was 6 I learned how to swing across the monkey bars. I was terrified. On one failed attempt the week before I had fallen and chipped my tooth and was certain that was the ultimate outcome of monkey bars. But with my entire Kindergarten class watching and my mother even showing up for the day, the pressure was on and I swung one bar at a time. I would have been perfectly happy living a life sans monkey bars but I did it. 
I did it because I had to. 

When I was 16 I was in the school talent show. As my song came to a close and the lights were fading I exited the stage- right off the ledge. The dim light saving me from too much embarrassment my fall was seen by the group sitting directly in front of ground zero. I wanted to cry. When asked if I was okay I wanted to say "No! I just fell of stage during the talent show and I'm 16 and everything is awkward!". But instead I picked myself up, laughed, assured everyone I was alright and walked back stage with a smile on my face. I wanted to curl up and disappear, but I did it. 
I did it because I had to.

At 18 after 4 faithful years dedicated to my high school's theater program I wasn't cast in the fall play. I cried, I missed a day of school, and then I joined stage crew. I didn't want to join stage crew initially. I was an actor, not a techie! I wanted to be on stage or not be involved at all. However I knew these people were my family away from my family and I had a commitment to them even when I was let down. I knew sometimes things just don't work out and I still had to hold my ground doing what I love to do more than anything else in the world. I wanted to scream out of spite and curse the program to it's grave, but I did it.
I did it because I had to.

When I was 14 I participated in a "Relay for Life Event" where you stay up an entire 24 hours. The day after this event I also had a softball game for the rec league I was on. The initial plan was to skip the game and take a nap after the event was over, until a phone call was received from the coach informing myself and the other girls on my team that had been at the event that we needed to play the game due to a short number of players. I was falling asleep on the field. I felt sick and light headed. But I did it.
I did it because I had to.

A few months ago I had finals week for the spring semester of my junior year. This finals week was particularly important because my grades previous semester's had not been as up to par as I would have liked so I had to do well on them to get that GPA I was after. A week before finals week a whole slew of things went wrong (that I won't go into detail about)  in my life. Life was throwing me punch, after punch, after punch and I was defeated. I wanted to curl up and cry and disappear and for a couple of days, I did just that. But then after letting the sadness visit for a bit I informed it, it was overstaying it's welcome and kicked it out of my home. I became completely immersed in my studies day and night and the result was the best grades I've received thus far in my college career. Depression made me think I wanted to quit everything and build a fence around my dorm to keep out any more harm that could possibly come my way. But I did it.
I did it because I had to.

The resilience of the human spirit is astounding. Every single person has stories, many leagues more impressive than the simple examples given above, where they did it because they had to. Because that's just how humans are. We do not stand idly by as life tries to knock us down over and over and over again. We brush ourselves off, laugh, and get the job done because we have have commitments we have made to ourselves and those around us. We suffer great loss and suffering and hardships yet still find it within ourselves to wake up the next day and go to work. And you, you are a part of this incredible human race. You are a part of this mad species that has been persevering for generation after generation after generation.
So, this is what I request of you and myself; When it hurts. When you want to quit. When you want nothing more in the world than to disappear into a cloud of smoke.
Do it anyway.
Because you have to.

Life is What Happens

Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.

John Lennon

Today I threw away my plans. No I don't think you understand... I literally threw away a piece of paper I have kept for over a year now that had my plans for my life outlined, point by point. I had kept it tucked away in my pencil holder at my desk in my cubicle at my summer job. Whenever I would start to feel down I would pick it up, unfold the piece of paper, and remind myself to keep my eyes on the prize. Scribbled at the bottom was the quote, "Tell me, are your afflictions dear to you?", providing a constant reminder that if I allow myself to become resigned to a situation I don't like, I am essentially holding that situation near and dear to my heart. Laziness is the enemy of happiness and contentedness. 

But today. Today I threw that paper away. 

"But Ellen, Why would you throw something so important away? Nothing is wrong about making goals!"

You're absolutely right! There is nothing wrong with keeping an end goal in mind whilst going about your everyday life. The issue lies in the plan. This wasn't simply a piece of paper that said "someday I'm going to do____". This paper had bullet points. This paper had a detailed timeline. And most importantly, this paper had A LOT of scribbled out words. 

-"Get a teaching job!" became "get a good starter job in marketing!"

-"Either don't get married or wait until you have a career!" became "eehhhhhh I guess you can get married and still have a career"

- "Learn how to make a new kind of guacamole recipe!" became "DO NOT DO THIS YOU ARE VERY ALLERGIC TO GUACAMOLE"   

Well... maybe that last one was an exaggeration... I am allergic to guacamole though... 

The point is... my plan kept changing. 

And that's okay! That means I'm growing and becoming more of the person I'm meant to become. But that also means I can't be keeping around pieces of paper with my entire life planned out in blue ink. It's unreasonable to think you can plan everything out with a ballpoint pen and a yellow legal pad. Life is far too complicated and magnificently bizarre to ever be reduced to that sort of thing. However life is also filled with way too many amazing opportunities and adventures to simply throw up a white flag and say, "well. I guess this is something". Keep you goals tattooed on your heart, not on a spreadsheet. 

Today. I threw my plans away. But let me ask you, are your afflictions dear to you?

-Ellen 

Don't be Dark Matter

“Scientists talk about dark matter, the invisible, mysterious substance that occupies the space between stars. Dark matter makes up 99.99 percent of the universe, and they don't know what it is. Well I do. It's apathy. That's the truth of it; pile together everything we know and care about in the universe and it will still be nothing more than a tiny speck in the middle of a vast black ocean of Who Gives a F**k.” 
― David Wong, John Dies at the End


I have recently become quite concerned over the direction my life seems to be heading and the person who I have become.

My friends often joke;

"ha there's Ellen, such a cynic"
"Why would you want to go outside? You hate the outdoors!"
"Yeah... but you're too lazy for that you would never actually do it haha"

While I know these jokes are all in good humor I can't help but feel that they are a reflection of the image I have created for myself. I have turned myself into a person who would probably agree with the following statements... and I have to say I'm not proud of it.

"Who would put forth effort towards that? Ha I'm much too lazy... being lazy is hilarious!"
"Why would I go outside when I have the internet and self pity to keep me company?"
"I don't need people. Socializing is for losers hahaha"

This is no way to live a life. And I am done being the person who thinks being pathetic is funny. Or that being a cynic makes you cool. It's not quirky and cool to "hate everyone."

While I think on this and work on becoming a better person I encourage you all to do the same. We seem to be the generation of apathy and cynicism under the impression that not caring is cool and having a deep hatred for other people makes you so alternative and edgy. This needs to stop.

We need stop being lazy. We need to get up, get off the internet, stop laying in bed all day and DO. We need to go outside and breath in fresh air and stop making jokes about how gross the outdoors are. We need to go for runs and explore new things. Stop making excuses, stop saying it's too hard, as cliche as it sounds go grab live by the proverbial horns and take advantage of all it has to offer!

Our generation has so much new technology and opportunities and forms of communication at our fingertips and my greatest fear of this month is that we are going to let it all pass us by because we are too lazy to quite literally stand up and turn off the tv.

Take responsibility, take charge and stop wallowing in self pity. Create, explore, learn and experience life before it's too late.

-Ellen