Because We Have To

"We, of our time, have played our part in the perseverance, and we have pledged ourselves to the dead generations who have preserved intact for us this glorious heritage, that we, too, will strive to be faithful to the end, and pass on this tradition unblemished."   - Eamon de ValeraI 




I was 12 years old when I got braces. Due to a scheduling conflict I also just so happened to be 12 years old when I had a mandatory three hour long choir rehearsal on the day I also got braces. So with a new mouth full of metal and the feeling of my teeth being pulled in directions they'd never naturally gone before I went to sing for 3 hours. And it hurt, and I would have much rather been home watching Spongebob at the time, but I did it. 
I did it because I had to. 

When I was 6 I learned how to swing across the monkey bars. I was terrified. On one failed attempt the week before I had fallen and chipped my tooth and was certain that was the ultimate outcome of monkey bars. But with my entire Kindergarten class watching and my mother even showing up for the day, the pressure was on and I swung one bar at a time. I would have been perfectly happy living a life sans monkey bars but I did it. 
I did it because I had to. 

When I was 16 I was in the school talent show. As my song came to a close and the lights were fading I exited the stage- right off the ledge. The dim light saving me from too much embarrassment my fall was seen by the group sitting directly in front of ground zero. I wanted to cry. When asked if I was okay I wanted to say "No! I just fell of stage during the talent show and I'm 16 and everything is awkward!". But instead I picked myself up, laughed, assured everyone I was alright and walked back stage with a smile on my face. I wanted to curl up and disappear, but I did it. 
I did it because I had to.

At 18 after 4 faithful years dedicated to my high school's theater program I wasn't cast in the fall play. I cried, I missed a day of school, and then I joined stage crew. I didn't want to join stage crew initially. I was an actor, not a techie! I wanted to be on stage or not be involved at all. However I knew these people were my family away from my family and I had a commitment to them even when I was let down. I knew sometimes things just don't work out and I still had to hold my ground doing what I love to do more than anything else in the world. I wanted to scream out of spite and curse the program to it's grave, but I did it.
I did it because I had to.

When I was 14 I participated in a "Relay for Life Event" where you stay up an entire 24 hours. The day after this event I also had a softball game for the rec league I was on. The initial plan was to skip the game and take a nap after the event was over, until a phone call was received from the coach informing myself and the other girls on my team that had been at the event that we needed to play the game due to a short number of players. I was falling asleep on the field. I felt sick and light headed. But I did it.
I did it because I had to.

A few months ago I had finals week for the spring semester of my junior year. This finals week was particularly important because my grades previous semester's had not been as up to par as I would have liked so I had to do well on them to get that GPA I was after. A week before finals week a whole slew of things went wrong (that I won't go into detail about)  in my life. Life was throwing me punch, after punch, after punch and I was defeated. I wanted to curl up and cry and disappear and for a couple of days, I did just that. But then after letting the sadness visit for a bit I informed it, it was overstaying it's welcome and kicked it out of my home. I became completely immersed in my studies day and night and the result was the best grades I've received thus far in my college career. Depression made me think I wanted to quit everything and build a fence around my dorm to keep out any more harm that could possibly come my way. But I did it.
I did it because I had to.

The resilience of the human spirit is astounding. Every single person has stories, many leagues more impressive than the simple examples given above, where they did it because they had to. Because that's just how humans are. We do not stand idly by as life tries to knock us down over and over and over again. We brush ourselves off, laugh, and get the job done because we have have commitments we have made to ourselves and those around us. We suffer great loss and suffering and hardships yet still find it within ourselves to wake up the next day and go to work. And you, you are a part of this incredible human race. You are a part of this mad species that has been persevering for generation after generation after generation.
So, this is what I request of you and myself; When it hurts. When you want to quit. When you want nothing more in the world than to disappear into a cloud of smoke.
Do it anyway.
Because you have to.

Admit You are Afraid.

"Only ever cultivate enough ego to be confident in yourself & in the things you create. Let your vanity end there. Arrogance/hubris =weakness" -Dallon Weekes


I've always been perplexed by my generations idea of self. While on some days I see millennials as an incredibly self loathing generation plagued with depression and suicidal tendencies, on other days I see something completely different.

On some days I see a group of young people that would put Kanye West's vanity to shame. Sometimes I can't help but wonder why we think we are so much better than others, namely other within our own generation.
I often hear my fellow students say things such as "This isn't worth my time, I'm better than this club/class/musical group/ect" or "I mean, she's just an English major, she can't be THAT stressed. At least not as stressed as people with real majors". Or the ever present judgement of students that may not want to stretch themselves with extracurricular activities as much as others.
In this world it's an unforgivable sin to make a spelling error. Thou also shalt not admit to struggling academically. The punishment for not understanding a seemingly simple mathematical concept is stoning. We all must present perfect images to the world around us or face the deathly glares of those who are superior to us, (which somehow manages to be everyone and no one at the same time).

The truth of the matter is this world we have created of perceived perfection is toxic. We are all afraid of failure and not measuring up to our peers, so, we adopt false egos in hopes that no one will notice that fear. False egos that in turn make everyone around us feel inferior, and thus the cycle continues. A cycle that within this past year alone has taken the lives of two of my close friends.

So what is the solution to stopping this viscous cycle?
To put it simply, I don't know. But I do have an idea.

We have to admit to each other, that we are scared. That we in our early 20's are all terrified of failure. Then we must build each other up rather than tearing each other down. If you see a fellow student struggling, offer to help. When you don't get the part you wanted, still step up to the plate to make the show the best it can be for those who did. When you don't make the team, show up to every game to support those who did.
When you do get the part, treat everyone involved with the respect you would want. When you do make the team, do your part to make those who didn't feel less alienated.

Admit you are a afraid. I know I am.
-Ellen