- Robin Williams
If I'm being completely honest with all of you I had every intention of abandoning this blog months ago. And I followed through with those intentions for a very long time. However recently I've felt inclined to pick it back up instead of leaving it in a box on a street corner "with free to a good home" written on the side, for the sole purpose of writing this post.
When you first meet me I will come off as very shy. And I'll probably come off that way for the first few months we know each other if I'm being completely honest. (If you listen closely you can hear the sounds of people who have known me for years and know me as anything but "shy" laughing at the fact I would ever claim such a thing). But it's true. I will stand in corners and not participate, maybe murmur a joke every now and again. That's because I'm waiting to find out how to position myself as the punchline.
I was in 4th grade when I first discovered the magic of the position of punchline. It was a year after I had been diagnosed with ADHD and Anxiety and in my 9 year old brain that all meant I was crazy. It meant that nothing I could ever say would ever be considered valid and it meant despite how everyone acted towards me, no one was ever really listening to me. It meant I was stupid, a burden, not really worth anyone's time. But then one day on the playground I found it. I was sitting with a friend of mine next to the kick ball court quoting Spongebob (as most 9-22 year old's do) when I proclaimed, "I'M UGLY AND I'M PROUD!".
She laughed.
She called people over.
They were paying attention to me.
"huh" I thought... "I'm ugly and I'm proud."
Now of course I didn't actually think I was ugly. But I did think I was stupid, clumsy, lazy, ect. So I started to make jokes about these things-
"ha, classic me, can't figure this thing out... I'm so stupid!" *cue laugh track*.
After this sort of self deprecating humor continued for awhile I had taken my throne as the punchline of my group of friends. I was the one you made fun of because I wouldn't fight back, I would laugh along with you. My reign as punchline lasted many years and many different groups of friends. I was getting the attention I had always craved but I couldn't help the feeling that although all of these people were paying attention to me, I still wasn't really being listened to. I wasn't a whole person.... I was the joke. I was the satire, I was the irony, I was the comedic relief when everyone else needed it. The things I said were funny, the situations I found myself in were funny, my existence was funny.
When I got accepted to a good school I felt like I couldn't share my excitement with anyone... because that wasn't funny.
When I got the big solo I told very few people... because that's not something the punchline would do.
Getting inducted into the National Honor's Society???? Where's the humor in that???
Punchline's trip on banana peels.
Punchline's get squashed by falling anvils.
Punchline's get slapped by handles of unsuspecting rakes.
Punchline's do not win awards.
It was the end of my senior year I realized the throne I sat on was made of barbed wire.
I no longer wanted to be the punchline.
But how do you have a voice when it's not reciprocated by laughter?
I'm still struggling with the idea that people would really care about what I have to say and that my opinions are just as valid as those around me. I spent so many years sitting on my rusty throne that I'm still pulling metal splinters out from my side and slapping bandages of validity over the scars they leave.
But this I know, I am no longer the joke. And you don't have to be a joke to be important.
You are valid and important. You are not below your peers.
You don't have to be the punchline.
-Ellen
